June 08, 2006
Цветовете на живота
Пролетна вечер, здрач… хм… всъщност днес май стават точно два месеца оттогава… Стоях си на една трамвайна спирка в центъра на София, облегнат на оградата, и си дочитах System of the World (май вече съм споменавал Бароковия цикъл на Нийл Стивънсън — дори като че ли повече от веднъж), а трамваят упорито не идваше — което ме устройваше прекрасно.
Изведнъж от подлеза се вдигна врява и нагоре по стълбите излетя група деца, които се смееха, блъскаха, мусеха… изобщо, занимаваха се с всичко, с което една весела група деца може да се занимава на една трамвайна спирка. Едно от тях ме погледна, през лицето му премина сянка, и после то се върна към гълчавата… а аз се замислих…
Не мога да опиша какво се случи в мига, в който онази ледена вълна обгърна нерешителния ми ум. Връз мен се спусна мрак, бездиханен и ужасен, който ме завъртя и унесе, накара ме да се удавя в стари спомени от бъдещите дни. Аз се почувствах толкова нищожен, забравих, че реално съществувам и се оставих в ръцете на Онова, затворено в камъка с цвят на нощ… [0]
Замислих се — втори ден подред по най-различни причини (основно свързани с един пропуснат карнавал) носех черно вместо обичайното синьо. Замислих се — колко е лесно всъщност — една нищожна промяна в облеклото, една дребна промяна в изражението, една нищо и никаква промяна в стойката — колко е лесно всъщност да започнеш да изглеждаш „B.A.D.“ — каквото и да значи това — Black Angel of… Death? Destruction? Disorder?… Despair? Disillusionment? Disarray? Derangement? Delirium?… (дали пък Нийл Геймън е бил първият, който, в именуването на the Major Arcana of the Endless, е забелязал колко много подобни понятия се изразяват с думи, започващи с D?)
Да започнеш да изглеждаш „B.A.D.“ — това е само първата стъпка. И също толкова лесно е и да продължиш нататък — да направиш крачка назад, да се затвориш, да потънеш в сенките, да прекъснеш контактите със света, да прекъснеш контактите на света с теб, да оставиш светът да се оправя както може без теб, да се оправяш както можеш без него… или поне да се заблудиш, че можете да се оправяте един без друг…
Да, лесно е — много е лесно да потънеш в сенките, да се откъснеш от познатите си, „за теб гората [да] замлъкне, вятърът [да] те забрави“[1]… лесно е, всеки може да го направи за един миг… а защо? Защо трябва да го правиш? Има ли смисъл, има ли полза, ще се оправят ли нещата наистина? Ще те забравят ли приятелите ти, ще продължат ли по същия начин без теб? Или това е просто една много удобна заблуда?
No regrets
If you just forget
If a memory is lenient
You can find it most convenient
So you let it fade
Till it's very vague
Just a silhouette of shadows
But the shadows are still lingering… [2]
И тук бих могъл да се разпростра надълго и нашироко, да излагам всякакви аргументи за и против… но не искам. Просто ще кажа, че на следващия ден отново облякох синьото, защото, не, не винаги има смисъл да потънеш в сенките — и, както е казал Николай Теллалов, „Зная обаче едно — воденичен камък е ужасно твърдо нещо и от личен опит ви съветвам да не си биете главите… та дори когато искате с това да затъмните по-страшна болка.“
[0] Аз харесвам H. P. Lovecraft… Ти харесваш H. P. Lovecraft… Мирослав Пенков харесва H. P. Lovecraft… Всички харесваме H. P. Lovecraft…
[1] Да, Балканджи всъщност пеят „ще“ вместо „да“.
[2] А Savatage също ще трябва да ме извинят, че ги цитирам извън контекст…
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